I buy about three a week. That’s an average, sometimes it’s three or more in a single evening.

I know they’re terrible for me, but everyone needs a treat on occasion. They also taste awful, and don’t do my stomach any favours.

Maybe I should try chewing them… or at least cutting them up. 🤔

I was raised by ducks, and I’ll be damned if I stop eating like a duck.

🦆

I shower and swim with it??

I had no idea this was a thing. 🤔 Is it a thing?

I think they use more salt and butter than they once did.

Maybe we shouldn’t be licking the phones so much?? 🤷‍♂️

Meat.

The thing should be just as it is (more or less), but the insides should be absolutely STUFFED with meat (and meat sauce, as is needed to stop the meat from drying out).

The phone should have an always on low power screen, it has to have a full-fat USB-C connection for the same drag and drop file management functionality that android provides, and when I squeeze the phone, meat juice and little bits of meat should come out of the seams.

It should smell like a meatball sub, and it should drip like a wet greasy meatball sandwich after being firmly squeezed.